Holding On
by TonyandZivaUK
Summary: Tony recalls the last moments with Ziva as he tries to carry on with his life.  Song Fic - Holding On - Rascal Flatts  Rated T just incase :


Holding on

30 days since it happened.

30 days since his life changed.

30 days since he lost her.

The one person he had ever loved had gone, forever. Tony did not love easily. Yes, you can say he had many relationships but that's all they ever were, none of them were as real as the one he had with Ziva. Just the thought of her name made him feel like someone had ripped out his heart and beat it to death. Death, which was another word Tony could not bear to here anymore. He has experienced people he cared about dying before, Kate, Jenny. This loss he had suffered was much much more. He lost his partner, his friend, and most of all he had lost the person he had fallen head over heels in love with.

He couldn't stand himself being alone doing nothing; Tony left with his thoughts was not a good idea. That's when the pain is the greatest. He likes to take drives to clear his mind of all the hurt and loneliness he felt, he knows that it would never disappear. Going on a dive was also not the best of ideas. Every Sunday Tony would get up, get washed and dressed. He would then start the breakfast ready for when she came back from her morning run. It always amazed him that she worked like clockwork, every morning she would get up at the same time as every morning and then would arrive back at exactly the same time. Sundays were their day, were they could be together with no interruptions, just the way he liked it. There favorite thing to do on those days was to go for a ride in his car. Something about them being together in a hunk of metal made them feel more together.

As Tony was driving around the same spots as they used to, the morning sun hit the windscreen. Tony couldn't help but fill up; a lump filled his throat ready to cry a river of tears for the person he lost, the person SHE had taken away from him. He could see a set of foot prints across the windscreen; it always did baffle him the way she could get comfy in the weirdest positions. He looked at them for a while, flashing back to the times they spent in the car, fingers tangled together, talking about anything that popped into their heads. Tony then reached into the glove compartment and pulled out a piece of tissue. He wanted the pain to go away, he wanted to wipe away all the memories that made him hurt this bad, they shouldn't be in the past, he wanted her back. As he went to wipe the screen he stopped. It felt like he was about to wash away Ziva, all he had left of her, everything thing she was. He would rather live with the hurt.

He's holding' on to the wheel

To the way she made him feel.

To the shifter, to the pictures.

Every precious moment with her.

Like the left behind colors in the sky

When the sun is gone.

He's holding' on.

Oh, he's holding' on.

As he was lying in bed he remembered their last night together.

"Tony stop! Pease!" Ziva ran around the bed trying to get away from him.

"No! I'm getting you back for the water you through in my face to wake me up this morning!" He held an ice cube in his hand as he ran towards Ziva and grabbed her around the waist with his other hand. She screamed with a hint of laughter. He pulled the back of her T shirt she has on and let the freezing cold ice cube slide down her back. She squealed and jumped around the bed room trying to relieve herself from the freezing cold feeling she had sliding down her back. Tony sat there watching and laughing at her. He couldn't help but think about how cute she looked when she was pissed off.

"I'm so going to pay for this aren't I?" he looked at her and gave her the DiNozzo smile. No one could be angry with that. He was lying on the bed just looking at her. He still could not believe that they were actually together. He couldn't help but think that she was beautiful and he was the luckiest guy in the world! I was one of those moments that they always had, even before they were together. Their eyes connected, it was like they could see into each other's minds and knew what each other were thinking. For a second he thought he could actually see every little thought that she was having. He got off the bed and slowly started to walk towards her, their eyes still connected in an intense lustful stair. Once his hands met her hips he couldn't stop himself, every move she made made him want her more. He ran his hands up the side of her body, not missing one inch of her skin. His hands met her face, in return she put her hands on his hips so that she could be closer to him. Their heads started to meet, slowly getting closer until his lips were pressed against hers. Her lips were warm and soft. At first it was a playful kiss but then as his hands started to get tangled in her curly brown hair the kiss started to get more passionate, their lips moving to the beat of their hearts. His hands moved to her hips as hers wrapped around his neck. He lifted her up and her legs wrapped around him as he moved them to the bed. As most of the time he was on top. This way he could admire her beauty, her hair spreading around her face making her look like a goddess. There kiss kept getting deeper and deeper until they couldn't breathe.

Suddenly there was a loud knock on Tony's door. He did not want to stop exploring her mouth with his tongue; this was one of those perfect kisses that they had had many of times. The knock kept getting louder and louder. "Tony, go and see who it is. I am not going anywhere, we can carry on when you come back." She said this very softly into his ear, almost sounded like it was her last breath. That kiss had taken it out of both of them; there breathing had never been this heavy with a kiss before. He wanted it to carry on but got off her. He lent over her one last time and crushed his lips against her smile. "I love you Ziva David." He left the room to see who was at the door. As he reached for the handle something felt strange, not right, a hint of panic set into his body for no reason.

As he opened the door there was no one there except for an envelope. It was addressed to him. He picked it up and opened it slowly. As her pulled it out he read the words, "This is pay back for all the hurt you caused me". After he had read this, he turned the note over to find a picture of him and Ziva, holding hands and looking deeply into each other's eyes. Tony was in shock, first he thought maybe it was Mcgeek paying him back for all those tricks he had pulled on him but then Mcgee would never in a million years go this far, would he? Suddenly Tony heard a loud scream coming from the inside the house. He ran into the house not knowing what he was going to find, not wanting to know. He hoped it was just Ziva lying on the floor because she has fallen off the bed, she was goofy like that. As he walked in slowly moving his hand towards his gun he was approaching the room, as he got closer he saw who had hold of the women he loved and would die for.

"Jeanne! What are you doing?" Tony was shocked. He had not seen her since they broke up.

"I'm sorry that it has to happen this way Tony, but you broken my heart! I loved you! And you used me! Now I'm going to make you hurt just as I did!" she pulled a gun to the temple in Ziva's head. Tony could see how scared she was, her eyes were empty. She knew the inevitable was about to happen, years ago she would have accepted her fate; she had no one to live for. Now she had someone who loved her back with even more love. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs for him to come and save her, but she knew it was too late, she closed her eyes ready to die. Tears started to fill her eyes, one escaped from her eye lid and rolled down her face as she whispered with her last breath "I love you too Tony DiNozzo" As she said this two gun shots were fired. Suddenly the room felt as though it was crashing down around him. He looked around the room in hope that Ziva will be standing there un harmed so that he could take her into his arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok. That wasn't the case. Ziva lay there vulnerable next to Jeanne, both with gunshot wound in their heads, cold, lifeless, dead.

Tony woke up in a cold sweat. Every night since she died he dreamed about it every night. Every detail of it exactly the same, he wanted to turn to his left side and see the woman who he wanted so desperately to spend his life loving and taken care of lying curled into his side, alive, the way she should be, but Tony never found her there, only the emptiness of the bed and the emptiness of his heart was all that was left. She was gone, but he still was holding on.

To the past

To the last time he held her

The breath on his neck.

The three words she said.


End file.
